i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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