we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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