Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
