Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
