I could make wine with my vomit
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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