I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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