i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
