Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
