he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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