totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
