You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
