I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
