Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
