So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
