Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can't special order awesome
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
