We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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