There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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