There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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