So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
