I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
