I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
