If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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