i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
