I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
