Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
