I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
