Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
