Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
