we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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