Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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