I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
