At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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