So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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