im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
