Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
