i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
