even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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