you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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