It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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