Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We need to get me chipped asap
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
