my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
