ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
