At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
