3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
