So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
