dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
