im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
