we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
