Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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