Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
