just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
